Itās been almost a month since myĀ last mail, where I shared about my journey to explore the Path of Pleasure, and how I was going to use that as a guide to unravel fixed states within my psyche.
Allowing myself to get really honest about what is pleasurable for me, let me reevaluate how I want to set up my business practice moving forwardā¦ changes, which although challenge me on various levels, feel exciting as they tempt and titillate beliefs that I hold about myself and question my relationship to belongingā¦
Exploring Barriers to Belonging…
The psychologicalĀ definitionĀ of ābelongingā is as follows:
n. a feeling of being taken in and accepted as part of a group, thus, fostering a sense of belonging. It also relates to being approved of and accepted by society in general.
Although in a factual sense we allĀ belongĀ ā to our families, to society, to our culture, our nation etc we can (and often do) have conflicted relationships to our āright to belongā or our ābelief around belongingā.
Humans are psychologically designed to sort and organize things (and people) into groups. There is a variety of research done on this topic but I am not going to divert too much into that right now.
In shortā¦. Grouping is a method to create efficiency in the processing of gigantic amounts of information which get fed into our fields of awareness.
Thus, we categorize and label in order to make sense of our environments and create safety for ourselves in relation to it. We do this on the individual level, as well as on a collective level. (i.e. society creates groups which you either belong or donāt belong toā¦.)
What determines “belonging”:
There are rules (written or unwritten) which typically govern any particular group ā and often whether you comply or not comply with these ārulesā will determine the level of conflict you experience in relation to this group.
Examples:
Your race, sex, nationality, politics each determine which group you belong to in relation to each of these items. But what about when this gets more complicatedā¦.
Letās say you are born a particular gender but donāt feel comfortable expressing yourself based on the āgender-normative-rulesā which your particular culture stipulates as its ācode of conduct in order to successfully belongā ā naturally this is going to create an internal conflict regarding your acceptance within your culture/society.
The same applies to our familiesā¦..Ā Families often unconsciously create ārules of belongingā ā to be accepted within the family there are certain expectations about how you present yourself in the family or how you represent the family to the outside world.
This is where we often hear the term āthe black sheepā- that family member which does not comply with the families unwritten rules of belonging.
However, these ārules of belongingā are not always in the best interests of the individualā¦.
and thus the torture of internalized conflict arisesā¦.
As much as humans enjoy sorting and grouping in order to create psychological safety for themselves, we are also hard-wired to seek out belonging in order to create physical safety.
(Think back to the days of early human development where if you were thrown out from your tribe to fend for yourselfā¦ you likely would have become the dinner of a lurking predator just waiting for its next mealā¦. after allā¦ there is safety in numbers).
Now, as much as society has changed over the millenia and there is no longer a sabre-tooth tiger waiting for you outside of your family caveā¦. Our primitive brains, which still largely govern our behaviour, havenāt quite caught up with these changes and so still behave as if there is. I.e on the very basic level: not belonging is equated to death!
The nature of the internalized conflict:
By definition, evolution requires change. It requires moving beyond the known or the existing and improving upon itself through a series of changes to become a more efficient version of itself.
However, leaving the existing status quo in order to ābe differentā i.e. change or evolve, often leaves an individual with the price of guilt.
We feel guilty if we donāt conform to our families ideals, we feel guilty or uncomfortable if we donāt comply with what or who society expects us to be, we even feel guilty or conflicted if we start to challenge some of our own internalized beliefs of who we perceive ourselves to beā¦
And so there is the conflictā¦. In order for evolution to take place (either within an individual or within a societyās culture or norms), guilt is experienced.Ā
As I am sure you are aware, despite āguiltā in this instance having a positive effect (i.e. being a vehicle for transformation), it is not a feeling that most people are comfortable feeling. It is something that we routinely suppress and avoid at all costs.
We continue living lives which are untrue to who we really want to be and we control and contort, often our most basic natures, in order to best fit in andĀ BELONGĀ to what the current trends and social norms are.
Personal Exercise:Ā Journal / Take some time to think about what āgroupsā you belong to and what are the conditions of inclusion? What groups do you wish you could belong to, but donāt feel like you qualify for inclusion?
(This can be physical or more āethereal/energeticā e.g. weight culture, physical appearance and acceptance, financial status and social class, sports or hobby enthusiasts, skills sets, sexuality, relationship status or preferences, beliefs etc etc)
To take it a step furtherā¦ where are you already āqualifiedā to belong but feel unworthy to claim this belonging (e.g. by fact you belong to your family, but perhaps have adopted the black sheep persona and rally against some of your families traditions and culture and so disown your belonging or feel it has disowned you; or you already own your own business and exhibit a level of success but deny this to yourself and others thereby hampering your own evolution in this trajectory)
What are theĀ costsĀ that you are paying in order to belong/not belong/disqualify yourself?
Example:Ā A previous client recently shared that 15 years ago she wanted nothing else to be a writer, she left her full time job to devote her time to this ambition. However, it took her 15 whole years of attending courses and writing drafts and personal pieces before she could have the courage to refer to herself as a writer. Even though writing is something she devoted all her time to, she did not feel that she qualified to call herself a āwriterā ā as though this term only belonged to a special group of people who had New York Best Seller published books promoted by Oprah herself.
It took her some serious deep soul searching and working with her internalized narratives before she could claim that in fact sheĀ wasĀ a writer. She did not need some special someone to descend from the clouds and pour anointed oil on her head and declare to the world that she is now a member of the special club called āthe writers clubā. No.
She simply needed to claim this title for herself. To believe and therefore she was. She now teaches writing courses to fellow writers and has completed a few books. It took her to own her inherent belonging to reach the rewards she is now receiving. While she stood on the outskirts, never quite taking that step in, she hampered her own progress and development in this areaā¦. at the cost of 15 years.
Lessons from Horses
As prey and herd animals, horses donāt have the same conflicted relationship to belonging that we do as modern humans.
Belonging for them is incredibly important and they structure themselves in order to minimize any conflict which prohibits efficient and effective belonging in their herd.
Horses are also incredibly emotionally attuned sentient beings. They have powers of awareness and senses which far surpass the average modern tech reliant human individual.
This is just one of the reasons that they are often used in healing and therapeutic modalities, from equine-assisted therapies for the disabled, toĀ being hospital support, all the way to corporate culture and leadership development processes.
Being emotionally sensitive creatures (again there is more research on this which I am unable to go into now), they will very quickly perceive if you are not in full emotional resonance within yourself, and have a attuned skill in drawing this out.
If you are experiencing internalized conflict due to your own conflicted belonging (whether that is towards your own internal self or inner herd, or with regards to an external group or outer herd) a horse will pick this up. You will be read as āunsafeā ā there will be an incongruence with your emotional energy. A classic case of saying and presenting one thing but actually being and doing another thing all together.
As part of my own āwork evolutionā I referenced at the beginning of this mail, I will start to make some space available to work with clients who are looking to experience the healing and coaching effects of horses.
If this is something that you feel called to explore for yourself personally then reach out and we can see if there is a fit in us working together.
"Unlike human beings, horses don't judge or reject us for what we're feeling; it's the act of trying to suppress our emotions that dries them insane."
